Daily Log of Unohana Retsu
by at-kb
Summary: Captain Mom knows all. Humor, crack-esque.


Daily Log of Unohana Retsu: Wednesday, October 27th.

**9:00 a.m.**: Kusajishi Yachiru, 11th division vice-captain, accompanied by parent Zaraki Kenpachi. Patient's father said patient had been in pain since early this morning and that he had offered patient both lollipops and sweet buns, but problem persisted. I diagnosed cavity in patient's lower left molar and instructed patient's father to ensure good dental care and to restrict amount of sugary food patient consumes. Patient protested. I reminded patient that if her teeth continue to be damaged, she will not be able to bite efficiently in future. Patient accepted my offer of toothbrush and toothpaste without further argument, did not appear to be perturbed when I filled cavity.

**10:00 a.m.**: 2nd division member. Patient masked, refused to reveal identity. Examination revealed a number of insect stings on patient's arms and leg; patient eventually disclosed that she had accidentally flash stepped on top of hornets' nest. I healed injuries and Captain Soi Fon departed through window.

**10:30 a.m.**: Enjouji Tatsufusa, 8th division third seat. Patient claimed to be suffering severe aftereffects of alcohol consumption and requested remedy. I told him that if Captain Kyouraku is ill, he may visit the Infirmary in person. Patient departed quickly.

**11:00 a.m.**: Ichimaru Gin, 3rd division captain, unconscious, accompanied by vice-captain Kira Izuru. Vice-captain extremely distressed, reported that he had heard a thump from office and entered to find patient slumped over desk. I assigned patient to isolation room for the next 24 hours as measure of caution in case of unknown illness. Patient's own binding spell Hakufuku wore off soon after vice-captain had departed; patient requested reading material for remainder of time in isolation, I provided collection of educational pamphlets.

**11:30 a.m.**: Kuchiki Byakuya, 6th division captain. Patient in extremely poor mood, suffering from hiccups apparently since yesterday evening. I implemented several cures with no success and finally resorted to scare technique, which was successful; hiccups ceased. Nevertheless patient left infirmary extremely pale and somewhat shaky.

**12:00 p.m.**: Kurotsuchi Mayuri, 12th division captain, annual physical exam. Patient was uncooperative but exam showed a clean bill of health. Damage to exterior office wall. Twelfth and eighth seats healed and fully recovered from poison inhalation.

**1:00 p.m.**: Lunch.

**2:00 p.m.**: Hisagi Shuuhei arrived with delivery of new informational pamphlets printed at the 9th division, including "How to Care for New Tattoos" written by Abarai Renji and illustrated by Hinamori Momo. Vice-Captain Hinamori's illustrations perhaps a little more imaginative than necessary.

**2:30 p.m.**: Hitsugaya Toushirou, 10th division captain, accompanied by vice-captain Matsumoto Rangiku. Patient had suffered vomiting and nausea, vice-captain was alarmed although patient claimed he was not ill. I reassured vice-captain and directed her to return to her barracks. After consuming some crackers and water and lying down in an empty room for an hour, patient was recovered and returned to duty. I dispatched hell butterfly to Captain Ukitake with reprimand and instructions to include alternatives such as fresh fruit or nuts if he must give Captain Hitsugaya large bags of candy.

**3:00 p.m.**: Kurotsuchi Nemu, 12th division vice-captain. Complaint listed on admittance form as "My hand is a drill." Patient's hand exhibited no obvious injury; I asked whether patient was in pain. Patient said that she was not in pain and then transformed her hand into what did appear to be a drill of some kind. Patient asked me if this was normal as she had just been informed that it was not. I assured patient that as long as she was not suffering pain or discomfort, she should not worry. Patient appeared slightly relieved and returned to duty.

**3:30 p.m.**: Kyouraku Shunsui, 8th division captain, accompanied by vice-captain Ise Nanao. Patient seemingly still suffering symptoms resulting from alcohol consumption the previous evening. I provided hangover remedy to vice-captain to dispense at her discretion.

**4:00 p.m.**: Aizen Sousuke, 5th division captain. Follow-up appointment. Patient previously suffering from sneezing, heavily watering eyes due to severe seasonal allergies; today examination revealed patient in perfect health. Patient thanked me, reported medication I prescribed alleviated his allergy symptoms entirely. After patient departed I checked his notes and realized last time the pharmacy accidentally gave him sleeping pills instead of allergy medication. Perhaps further investigation required.

**4:30 p.m.**: All copies of "How to Care for New Tattoos" discovered to have vanished. Iemura reported seeing Ise Nanao carrying a large box when she departed with her captain.

**5:00 p.m.:** Closed office and went home.

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**Author's note:** Eh, I don't think this is that funny, but maybe you'll get a chuckle or two out of it. Please review if you have any thoughts? As a note, the binding spell Hakufuku knocks you unconscious.

Thank you for reading!


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